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My uncle was obsequious, purple & clairvoyant,

  • My uncle was obsequious, purple & clairvoyant, pompous, obese & ate cactus, dull, boring & omnipresent & criticized things he didn't know about. "He needs his knees removed!" said

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  • my uncle. "Put a bowtie on that giraffe!" was another of his favorite sayings. My uncle was a braying jackass of a man. A bitter lackluster trainwreck of a man. But I needed him to

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  • for his Avril Lavign record collection. My Uncle the braying jackass of Vermont had somehow, keenly sensed her greatness and cornered the market on

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  • manure and other similarly smelly substances. My uncle was a strange one, or "complicated," as he put it. He liked to braid his scraggly beard and dress like a sk8er boi

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  • although he was a 64-year old accounting lawyer. His tattoos, an amalgam of death-imagery and tax forms, disturbed the participants at the Annual Tax Conference but got him more

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  • Publicity than he wanted. The tattoo police were looking for me, and I conveniently became the first tattoed mouse in the streets of Hsu City. It was a top Onion story.

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  • Then the news revealed the tattoo had belonged to the skin donor and not to me. I lost sponsors left & right. Being a famous mouse without endorsement deals meant my 15 minutes was

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  • up. The ghost of Walt Disney showed me the door. "Get out of here, you tatoo-less rodent freak!" it snapped. It was then I began my life on the skids; lying in the gutter drinking

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  • Moonshine and reenacting Steamboat Willie to strangers for money with no steamboat and only...well you get the idea. Minnie had left me after the firing and married Goofy.

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  • I got what I deserve, I suppose, acting up &thinking people would love me, actually believing Walt would render me immortal at a theme park in Florida, of all places. RATS...

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