To err is human; to forgive, divine...to drink is to be merry; to vomit, gross...to be in love is fantastic; to have sex, even better...these are just a few of my favorite proverbs when the dog bites kick him out & buy a better dog, when the bee stings get a bug zapper, when I'm feeling sad. I simply remember to eat ice cream and then I don feel so - well. The sadness never disappears, because I can never eat my depression away. It's only compounded by unnecessary calories and my sedentary lifestyle only compounds my misery. I used to believe in the cold side of the pillow but I know now that is just wishful thinking. So I spend my inheritance from the settlement on hookers and coke, & sometimes Pepsi. When I'm feeling really wild, I'll even go for a ginger beer. I had thousands of sleepless nights in my future, so I wasted them to the best of my ability. Netflix, fizzy drinks & Entenmenn's raspberry coffee cakes were how I spent my insomnia. Nothing I could do about it anyway, so I decided to enjoy it. Old Mae West movies, lime Perrier that tasted like fresh heaven, a pint of Chunky Monkey &those coffee cakes! I crawled back in bed & ate until I was sick & Mae West headed east. Ahhh. Never mind that I had to get up at 6 a.m. for a vital meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff."Mr. President!!" I pried my eyes open at 9 a.m. to see an aide's scared face. "In your absence, they declared war on Russia!" SOBs! "So Ireland is calling a war on Russia, huh," I stated. Then I quickly walked to the office, and called an attack with the "potato of death" on Ireland. I didn’t know the Irish had a secret weapon that intercepted the Potato of Death mid-flight and julienned it. French-fry fallout rained down for days, which we ate as a side dish.

 

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