Flatuventriloquism requires many years of practice to master, but now I'm able to micmic the voices of famous people like Jimmy Stewart or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once when I, Jamie Lee Curtis, was on the set with Arnold Schwarzenegger, the director yelled, "Cut" and then I said, "A Fart?" I let my flatuventriloquism rip and it sounded like Arnold sai d "My God, what is that smell?!" but it was hard to hear the Governator over the fake fart I'd made it sound like the Director let out. At the same time, I'd unleashed an SBD so it seemed like the Director was guilty. All I were now on him. I made my move slipping into the kitchen with my suckomatic. I would have the ultra sandwich of flight. I would fly. One me clicked to alert us to cut the chatter. I slipped through the dining room to the first hall. Paused at the door to listen. After a heartbeat, I ducked my head in to the hallway and emerged in Mombasa, Kenya in 1981. Exactly across the street from the English bookstore. The one where you bought a boxed set of Wilson & Shea's The Illuminati Trilogy. It was overpriced, but you wanted to appear intellectual to the babe who sold yams in the marketplace, so you bought it. Parading up and down in front of her like an idiot, you gathered a crowd. "Now parade like a moron," a middle aged man in the crowd suggested. The yam selling babe shushed him and smiled at you. This made you parade like an imbecile. The Garfield™ balloon sprung a leak and knocked the mind-control device off of your dewlap. You tear away your band uniform and hack at the manacle with your violin bow. You must wonder why in hell your violin’s in a marching band. Finally you’re free to grab one of Garfield’s tethers. You rise and the band breaks into “Up Up and Away” by the 5th Dimension.

 

Comments

2 Woab's photo

That Vocaroo cracked me up, Col.! I love how the somber voice recites the utter inanity.

3 Zetawilk's photo

I need to look into some text-to-speech for a project, but I like to get people’s recommendations alongside my searches. The human touch is nice. Any tips?

4 LordVacuity's photo

I use Speak4Me Pro. It is an IOS app. It isn’t fancy but it meets my needs.

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