I put Red Bull in my coffee and now my heart

I put Red Bull in my coffee and now my heart sounds like dub step.

The caffeine made me grind my teeth, which sounded like industrial metal. I pushed the one man band routine to new, accordion-free heights. I kept the beat by cracking my knuckles

on my idiot brother's black lab. The lab's name was Doofus. He ate beer nuts and drank peppermint schnapps. I was more of a man band with a disgusting dog who

had a foo foo drinking problem. "Dog," I told Doofus, "you need to advance to more masculine booze." Now the Ardbeg Corryvreckan is no beginner's scotch. Hints of poppy and magma

Blackflowers were the main elixirs' original source. Doofus didn't know they grew in alleys, mistaken for weeds. Weeds were unwanted plants, after all.

And unwanted plants were tossed in the fire. And fires made of unwanted plants caused toxic fumes. And toxic fumes from blackflowers caused Doofus to transform into Mr. Goofy.

Mr. Goofy looked up to heaven and thanked The Great Whatever that he had finally been born into this world, toxic and fume-filled as it was. "It's time I got married," said

a very beautiful woman demurely beside him. He didn't see the beautiful. He saw the old toothless dried teated shell of his tomb. Death is beautiful. Her kiss gives peace. To marry

the Death Princess guaranteed a quiet union, & although she was not much of a conversationalist, he was oddly & powerfully attracted to her. He stroked her cold, alabaster cheek.

The girl of Cold would be no more. The man of spring and light smiled. Though she was silent andforeboding, he saw the empathy and care she had and realized, he loved her for her.