"Frrrrrrrrrrrrt!" I sighed. Uncle Luther

"Frrrrrrrrrrrrt!" I sighed. Uncle Luther was at it again. Every year he'd sit there at our family holiday party and pretend that the house was creaking. And every year we'd pretend

like Uncle Luther wasn't an obnoxious gaseous old coot, bent on kissing cousin Sally right on the lips and telling dirty jokes around the kids. But it was Xmas, so we had to put up

with our parents in order to get free stuff. Uncle Luther and cousin Sally decided we should play a Christmas version of Cards Against Humanity.

Right then, Satan burst through the door and pointed at Uncle Luther with fire in his dark red eyes. "YOU," HE SCREECHED, "LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP AND I'M

MAD. THAT QUENCHED MY HEMMOROID PILES!" Uncle Luther commented dryly "too much information." This only made the devil madder. Especially when Uncle Luther

gushed, "Just my way of saying you're a real stand-up guy!" Then he handed Ol' Scratch a bottle of witch hazel and some gauze pads, leftover from Uncle Luther's last bout of

Electionitis. Donald Trump was someone whose name you weren't allowed to mention or you would be defenestrated. There was a long list of defenestratees. It was sixteen pages. I saw

the Archangel Gabriel deliver them personally into the hands of Trump. They thought the angel was going to hold them up when he flew them out the window but he always dropped them.

Later that week, God called the Archangel Gabriel into his office. "Gabriel," God boomed, "we've been getting a lot of complaints that you are dropping people when you fly out the

-ir wazoos, so cut it out. We can't afford to lose any more of the faithful." Gabriel mocked surprise, but God saw him and demoted him to assistant putto. So much for him.