Once when i was like seven, i squatted on

Once when i was like seven, i squatted on my sisters head and

I let a huge fart rip, but I had forgotten I had eaten the off yogurt hours before and I felt ew in the stomach. I'm sure she didn't appericate what happened next.

Diarrhea began to pour out from inside of me, I seesawed all the way to the bathroom, on my way there though, all of the guests vomited from the putrid stench of it.

So that's how my wedding was ruined. Lesson learned: never binge on week-old crab dip the night before anything important." He sat down - now it was my turn to impart wisdom upon

the grooms-to-be, a support group for men to discuss how to manage bridezillas, dumb questions about decorations, pre-nups, & ex-lovers who might show up at the wedding. I stood up

and shared my heartbreaking story about how I wanted a small wedding in a register office, but my fiancée was insisting on peonies, sugared almonds & bells. Lots of bells. Groom ab

lowin' said the gnarled old Sea Captain. He officiated at our wedding. Just then my handsome father walked my slack-jawed groom to the alter. They put the nuptial parrot on my shou

lder before declaring us husband ARRRRnd wife. I remember thinking that this Sea Captain, with his two hook hands, peg-leg and an eyepatch, still looked better than my new husband.

But what could I do? Vows had been exchanged and I was determined to be faithful this time. Still, I found myself, late in the night, googling nude images of Captain Hook and Ahab

Lincoln, my husband's long lost brother. Abraham Lincoln divorced me a week later. I forgot to go into incognito mode. And now I'm single once again.