I am not a loser, he thought and then bought

I am not a loser, he thought and then bought the self-help CD. It was one of those Tony Robbins knock-offs. Instead of personal power, it was called

Universal crystal energy. It was the last self-help program on the shelf that I hadn't failed miserably at. Sixteen jobs in half as many months and I was no closer to getting some

tail from the hot girl working at the unemployment office. She didn't seem to think it odd at all that I was constantly out of work. Maybe I should step up my game. I decided to

wear deodorant and brush my teeth for the first time in 10 years. I think she noticed as I spent 3 hours in close proximity to her and she didn't make a gagging sound once, which I

assumed meant that she was dead. However, the neighborhood necromancer revived her -- well almost -- she still

had a pulse. Some say she overdoses on roofies to achieve this meditative state. I think she sniffs glue. Nobody is sure though.

Basically, she wasn't fully with it & a form of detox was clearly required. She decided to comence a course of self-rehab by

locking herself in the cleaning closet and shoving the key under the door. No way out. Detox. Cleaning stuff. Self-rehab. Yup. Next morning, she woke with a slightly clearer head.

But she still felt dirty. It was the thoughts -- the imagined trysts with all of the romance novel heroes. In her mind she was a hooker with a heart of gold, the star of endless

woes, the lover of every lonely man. She was there own "Tallulah". She could dream, she thought. And she did, her romance hungrey heart twanged its strings every day hence.