Alpha, the word for ox in ancient Phoenician,

Alpha, the word for ox in ancient Phoenician, soon came to symbolize the sound of the first letter of the ox. Thus it was that the hubris and passion of the original Alpha, the ox,

was transmogrified into Alfa Romeo which means 'ox' in Italian. The letter Beta was taken from the Phoenician invention, the Betamax. The video tape was made from lamprey skins and

the lining of Argentenian bull testicles, properly aged of course. Using fresh lining is quicker and easier but you just don't get those deep blacks come through on the recording.

Trouble was, I was completely out of fresh bull testicles, having forgotten to add them to my shopping list. Maybe my neighbor, Mrs. Kravtiz, had some to spare. I knocked on her do

nothing husband's forehead, mistaking it for the front door. "Is Evelyn home?" I asked snidely, looking over his shoulder. His wife was in the backyard, squatting beneath a bull

's eye, trying not to get impaled by an arrow. Her husband had been practicing his archery skills. "She is otherwise engaged at the moment," he said, looking nervous. I pushed past

his fat son Teddy to find his wife. His wife sat on top a gigantic GMO apple. The Archer was doing a reverse William Tell. He clucked his tongue and said, "Ok, what do you want?"

"I want you to aim higher and start selling cabbage by the leaf, ice cream by the spoon and apples by the slice! profit! MORE PROFIT! " The archer took aim at the apple,

and split it into eighths. "Show off," said the business magnate. The archer unsheathed another arrow and took aim again. "Point that thing somewhere else, would you?"

"That's what she said," replied the archer, and let loose the arrow, split it into sixteenths, gave the business magnate the finger, and walked out.