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When you're russian for food, there is no

  • When you're russian for food, there is no time for Stalin. KGB.

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  • CIA. NSA. MI6. Valeri Gurov would be dogmeat if any of them caught him. No time for exchange rates or the niceties of borders. He needed to perfect his Quantum Transit app before

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  • they came after him. The CIA and the NSA were nothing to joke around with your buddies over beer with. He then quickly perfected his Quantum Transit app, and then packed his

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  • things, but then he realized they had heard him talking smack. Several heads slowly raised out of nearby pot plants, frowning in disgust. He activated his Quantum Transit app and

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  • suddenly found himself in a coffee shop in Canada. The native people confused him as they all seemed to be riding polar bears. All of a sudden the bad guys he was running from came

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  • downstream in their sealskin kayaks, their eyes ablaze with revenge. Tomahawks flew over his head, one grazing his scalp. He jumped aboard a polar bear and dug his mukluks into its

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  • flabby armpits. The polar bear bounded gracefully across the Arctic landscape, free from their Eskimo assailants. They built an igloo for shelter and passed the time playing jacks

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  • and antelope. The first polar bear had chosen to punt first in Local Galactic History. He got his first jack by edging towards snake eyes but ending up in boxcars. Sleeping it the

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  • heck off, the intergalactic polar bear decided to try his luck at Roulette. That too would lead to failure, as would the slot machines and the poker table. "Maybe I should go back

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  • to posing for Coca-Cola ads.” So he headed to the ad agency, only to find Santa Claus in the waiting room. “Great!” thought the polar bear, “Competition!” So he ate Santa Claus.

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3 Comments

  1. KieferSkunk Jun 04 2020 @ 14:31

    I'm especially amused at how the CIA and NSA caught up to our hero and went all barbarian on him. ;)

  2. KieferSkunk Jun 04 2020 @ 17:27

    Dramatic reading here: https://voca.ro/1Mvw0n6TX0N I lost count of how many times I had to re-record this because I kept cracking up in the middle. Here's a couple of outtakes for your amusement. :) https://voca.ro/9i6YkfJvkEA https://voca.ro/lFymFQmEJCv

  3. Woab Jun 06 2020 @ 12:43

    I love the one where you cracked up! Delightful.

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