Old Jim never went back to the ship.

Old Jim never went back to the ship.

He had many horrible memories of the place. For example, there was this one time he was swabbing the deck

and was accosted by the employees. They told him there was no "deck" it was the men's room floor. They hatefully told him this wasn't a ship, this was a McDonald's in El Paso. They

He pulled his eye patch on and scaled the counter. His hook, which he held in place with a barely hidden hand up his sleeve, jerked down the breakfast menu. "Avast Hamburglers!"

Our swashbuckling hero snapped into action. Burgers were tossed. French fry salt was strewn everywhere. And, as one would expect, the police were called. When they arrived,

our hero was just finishing squirting ketchup everywhere. "Well, well, well..." said Scotland Yards most highly regarded Inspector Slack. "There's no Miss Marple to help you now"

,"nor a Hercule Perot". As Inspector Slack finished wiping up all the ketchup he took a spot of tea and began to

recite what appeared to be nothing more than nonsensical poetry. "Why, he's as mad as a hatter!", the other one replied. "The bloody old fool must be suffering from

constipation." He gulped as he heard the snap of rubber glove

mittens being placed on the clumsy proctologist's hands. Why rubber mittens for the exam? He found out very quickly in the end -- er, his end.