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A couple of months ago I was obducted by

  • A couple of months ago I was obducted by aliens, I'd been anal probed and forced to eat alien food.

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  • But when I got back to my house I realised I'd in fact just been on holiday in Tunisia. I had the blackmail notes in Arabic to prove it. And a compromising pen and ink sketch. The

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  • truth would have been difficult to hide from my wife, if she hadn't been so willingly complicit. "Hi Honey" she said, observing my sun tan and suitcase, "busy day at d suitcase, "

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  • "Uh yeah, sure," I replied nonchalantly. Then I noticed lipstick on my wife's neck. I feigned our usual interaction ritual. "And uh, how was your day? What did you do today?" I ask

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  • ed. "Jane came over today to help me uh... sort through some things," she said. "Oh, I see," I said. I could not take my eyes off the lipstick on her neck. She was blushing now

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  • as she realized that her makeup, lipstick in particular, had been applied haphazardly due to a morning rush. Wiping the lipstick from her neck and the eyeshadow from her armpits,

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  • she caught her own stare in the bathroom mirror. "What am I? A sheep or a shepherd or a free spirit?" Arboretha di Chirico reapplied the neckstick and pitshadow before the train ar

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  • rived at the station. She couldn't help but sneer at the dirty concrete, but there was one thing she could help:

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  • She didn't need to drink the dirty water any more. The station had no kiosks, so she carried her thermos and paid her fare to the city. It was pouring outside, as predicted.

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  • Less predicted was her success at commandeering the bus from the city and launching it torpedo-style onto the first ferry to Dublin. She had to get to Dublin at any cost.

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