Vern the Amish guy had a duck growing out of his side and liked to lawn bowl nude with his uncle. I first met Vern back in Vietnam, at the beginning of the Tet Offensive. He was shy, because of the duck growing out of his spleen, but one night, on hill 381, the duck blew our cover . "Quaaaaack," quacked the duck outgrowth. "Quack, quack, quaaaack, quack, quack, quack, quaaaack." Vietnam Cong surrounded hill 381. He never saw it coming. The duck didn't either because although someone did yell, "DUCK!", the duck thought someone was calling for him! The man & his duck outgrowth were captured by the VietCong & forced to join the VC circus. While in the employ of the circus, Alfons, and his duck-tumor "Malardnoma" met a woman with a beard where her eyebrows should be. She had braided the brow beard so that it looked like a pair of curtains on either side of her eyes, and Alfons found the effect charming. But she stared at his duck-tumor with hungry eyes. Licking her lips, she salted Alfons's duck-meat tumor and sawed away with her knife. For her, it was delicious. For Alfons, excruciating, and for science, momentous. That day the medical community learned about the incredible nutritional value of duck tumors. Ducks everywhere began being irradiated with uranium, much to the chagrin of Alfons, w ho's hypothesis had just been proved to be wrong and dangerous by the very events he swore would never come to be on his watch. We saw it coming. We resisted our way into a cage. We were going to do the new Chippendale routine, even if it meant destroying the very fabric of reality. We stripped our way into oblivion. The assembly tapped their cigars in glee



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