I'm sitting on the couch; my dog's been snoring

I'm sitting on the couch; my dog's been snoring for the last 15 minutes. All at once he began flicking his paws back and forth while growling, mouth half closed. This was another

of those dreams my dog has every once in a while where he is a side kick for some dude from Old Earth's ancient history. My dog Astro dreams that he and Custer are like brothers.

Sometimes my dog's dreams contain frightening premonitions of the future. I taught him to paint because I thought it'd be cute, but I soon received vivid depictions of

Him wailing bones all around my home and through the windows. Another painting has him feeding me out of

a sippy cup, him with a velvet dressing gown and myself wearing fishnets. "Well, that's never going to be displayed in the Louvre," I muttered to myself. "Tate Modern, at best!"

Little did we know that the bench had just been painted! When we stood back up, a group of renegade art punks snickered and took photographs of our newly striped behinds for their

Pintrest. These cats were SO into their boards and often exchanged ideas for their future weddings. The best were their ideas for Disney themed weddings and the stripes were

based on The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast, with a twist of Rapunzel thrown in for good measure. They were so inspired that they decided to visit the Magic Kingdom and

woe be to those who follow in their footsteps, for the Magic Kingdom is not Magic at all. No. Indeed, these unfortunate souls found out the hard way, the pitiable Evil that awaits.