"WHY?!" he screamed. as his mom rushed in,

"WHY?!" he screamed. as his mom rushed in, to find her son having a nervous breakdown on the floor. "What's wrong, honey?!" He replied: I read Cupcakes! Again! Why Pinkie Pie, why"

His mom sighed. She'd been through this with Buddy so many times before. Grabbing his hair, she yanked him off the floor & gently slapped his nose with her pinkies. "You must

choose, Buddy my boy. You dyed your hair brown, then turquoise, and now lime green? It looks like Jackson Pollock barfed in our sink. Think of your roots." Moms sure are lame, huh?

But as with most Moms, she red my mind. The color purple? Perhaps deep down trying to solve my identity crisis this way was not so hairbrained, but a diod lit fiberoptic transplant

into my tooth brought a new definition to the word "bling." My teeth were lit up like a Christmas tree. Once when I was breaking up with my girlfriend, it looked like morse code to

Me when she knocked twice on the pipe. People asked how my teeth were suddenly fluorescent. I had the switch in my pocket and pushed the button. Ouch! My teeth buzzed in unison.

When I came to, I was finally, in her apartment. I hoped that meant that I had moved up to Dateable. She was in the kitchen making concerned sounds into the phone. Was it me? She

had tied me to her sofa, had put a bag over my head and was now calling the police, I think. I heard her hang up the phone , then grinding noises, as if she was sharpening a knife.

Then, unfathomable calm flooded in. I felt one step removed from the reality in front of me. I could not see but could sense she was now holding the knife in her hand, grinning.

I meant her no harm. I wanted an end to this. She came at me with the knife and I put up my hands instinctively. The knife bent, and she fell back. Everyday noises slowly returned.