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Ralph's parents watched their 20 year old

  • Ralph's parents watched their 20 year old son play with building blocks. Earlier he explained he was making a castle. Ralph's parents thought their son was a loser.

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  • Boy were they wrong! By age 23, Ralph had constructed the world's largest lego castle, big enough to give shelter to all the homeless people in Des Moines.After that accomplishment

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  • he opened several 24-hour kitchens powered entirely by easy-bake ovens that totally wiped out hunger in Polk County. Ralph was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize but his focus was

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  • on research into skin grafts and finger replacements for easy-bake oven injuries. The baboons at the research station in Polk County were restless. Ralph stroked their fingerless

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  • oven mitts, eyeing their hairy, human-like fingers protruding from the ends and curved around the metal bars. One had exceptionally long fingernails that appeared to be painted

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  • with the Canadian flag on it. The curves. The hair. Giant nails. It all added up to one thing: sloth. The Vice Chancellor was coming for diner, and bringing that toady dreadful wif

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  • e-beating thug bodyguard of his, the one with the mole on his eyeball. "Diner. The blu-ray disc, not DVD. Now!" The thug slapped a palm with a blackjack and spit onto my Persian

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  • Rug. I grabbed my silver hammer, like Sir Maxwell, and made bloody sure that he was dead. Then, I morphed myself into a rabbit and vanished down the hole to join my friend Peter!

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  • Peter, however, clearly had other plans: by the time I'd gotten to the bottom of the hole I couldn't see him anywhere, only a threatening letter to the king, convincing me he was

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  • king. Really, I didn't need Peter to tell me what I already knew, and that explains my rather curt reply, your honor. It was just the wrong day to send that sort of correspondence.

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