We'd watched Stripes, Full Metal Jacket,

We'd watched Stripes, Full Metal Jacket, crushed a few too many beers & put in work on a handle of Jack. I said "Seriously; don't do it. Canada has free health care & nice breezes.

But joining the Canuck curling team can't be worth it. It's a brutal, vicious sport-- worse than croquet. It'll destroy your soul. Wilf just polished his granite stone ignoring us

as we groomed our Canadian (David Harris, a young musician from Alberta) for the dangerous slide ahead. Sweepers at the ready, Olaf gave David a fantastic launch toward the target

which was partially blocked by the American's Malpractice Lawyer. As the sweepers cleared his way, David Harris glided on his freshly shaved bum a good 30 meters before colliding

Now, when I say David Harris's bum was freshly shaved, I mean, fresh. I mean, minty, pristine, chinchilla soft. He had a special chair, with special underwear with a special foam

which a special -- person, icon, goodhead, Godhead, Schmuck from the Old Neighborhood, would slather all over his bits and pieces in preparation for The Fabled Razor of Umbrage.

Almost four years after the first umbrage took place, the last one blew the entire Old Neighborhood into smithereens. The coroner counted 4,846,015 bits and pieces, a new record.

But I digress. In its place arose a whole new town, known as West Umbrage. At first, people were reluctant to move to such a disagreeable place, but with the advent of social media

the name went through a rapid misnomification to W. Umbra, Warm Umbrella, Raw Umber, Pen Umbra, and finally Underwirebra, Pennsylvania. Now everyone wanted to live there, but it