She had the eyes of Caligula & the mouth

She had the eyes of Caligula & the mouth of M Monroe, according to Mitterand who was French & knew his horseflesh. On the day of the funeral, I boarded up my house & left on the

Sinclair C5 I had parked in my driveway. The traffic at cemetery was horrendous but with my Sinclair C5 I was able to find a close parking spot for the funeral. It was a lovely

lovely day for it too, though I'd never like these things even if the weather was perfect. My two girls held my hand either side as we walked from the car to the grand building.

That's when I saw the devices. They were designed to look like mail boxes, but I saw the transmitters. I snatched my girls, dropped to the ground. Just like basic training.

"Serpentine! Girls! Serpentine!" One of the mail boxes tracked our movements as I leaped to the safety of our mini-van. "Carrier at 2 o'clock Mom!" I punched it. "Safety belts?"

"We don't have time for that! GO! GO!" Against my better judgment, I sped off before any of us could fasten our seatbelts, so of course you know what happened next. I never saw the

herd of elephants. I slammed the brakes on and, unbelted, we all flew through the wind screen of my car. What happened next is blurry in my memory but

amazingly we all survived the crash. Even the elephants were unscathed. I have this strange, muddled memory though of being dragged through the mud, and my car is still missing.

The car was camoflaged to look like an elephant. A brilliant way I thought of to get up really close to a herd during safari but now it was somewhere out there. Maybe a bull mated

with my elephant-camo car but I couldn't tell over my bass system. But then I saw them all, the elder elephants on their way out, in a circle round my car, solemn and happy.