The lunchroom was full of pissants that hated me. They objected to my warming my lunch, usually sardines, in the microwave oven. The found fault with the fact that i urinated where Sally kept her horrendous cat mug that was honestly just begging to be pissed in. But today this was all going to change. I was going to warm a fat load of kimchi in the microwave using that cat mug. And everyone will finally appreciate that cat mug, and they will want to use it to microwave THEIR kimchi too! Then I realized I had no kimchi, and I had to go to the local Super Duper Mart in the hopes of finding some in the marked down Questionable Stock section. Money was tight these days, what with the dog versus cat mug craze going on I wasn't about to let that deter me from what I really wanted that morning: a 3ft tall waffle cone with all the fixings. Would that be in this aisle I wasn't sure, but luck was on my side. Costco had a special on 6 ft tall waffles, oh boy! I could finally realize my dream of being a giant icecream. Aisle 1 had the 10 gallon buckets of icecream. I bought 100 buckets of icecream, vanilla that is. I also bought some Oreos to be rubbed all over my body. Then I had to face a difficult decision: a la mode or classic waffle cone? I went with the waffle (for the mystique) & a jar of maraschino cherries to top me all off. "Oh boyohboyohboy, is Ralph going to be surprized!" I inwardly squealed. My sexy sundae outfit was the sexiest sundae outfit, ever, I just knew it. But when I shimmied up to Ralph, all he said was, "What? No sprinkles?" So I grabbed him by the hair and sprayed him with Sprinkles for Men edible hair spray & he immediately convulsed & sweated profusely while I smothered him in chocolate kisses and let him bob for my maraschino cherry. I won.

 

Comments

1 Jimbeau's photo

Actually, it’s Pizz aunt, you know, i’s French.

3 LordVacuity's photo

I think I had in mind more of pissant as in office politics hive mind. “Look at Ted. I can’t stand hearing his constant sniffing over our shared cubicle wall. Or his constant throat clearing.”

4 Jimbeau's photo

I know what you meant. I was quoting Corky Romano (Chris Kattan).  Corky’s brother (Chris Penn) hires a guy to give Corky a new identity for him to go undercover. The guy asks, “What name should I give him?” Chris Penn says, “I don’t care what you call that pissant!”  Corky’s undercover name is Pissant (he insists it is French).

5 LordVacuity's photo

He would have been better as Pismire.

6 LordVacuity's photo

Also, I felt sad that I knew you were talking about a Chris Kattan movie from the title. At least Mango never made it to the silver screen. I do have one Kattan favorite. He and Terry Hatcher were trying to get intimate and he put on Sade’s No Ordinary Love. Ding ding ding: I love the song!

7 Woab's photo

You can’t have Mango!

8 LordVacuity's photo

it is weird that I can not find the video for the mood music skit. seems most of my favorites are missing from the web.

9 Woab's photo

I think that some of my faves are from the Short Videos, which were independently produced, like ‘Viva Gilda’ (the Fellini parody) and the one where Lorraine Newman is haunted by spooky music.

10 LordVacuity's photo

I didn’t know until recently that Lorraine was related to Paul Newman.

11 LordVacuity's photo

Pieces by Shiller.

12 Woab's photo

Laraine (I mis-spelled her name up there, sorry) has a twin brother named Paul, but he is not THE Paul Newman.

You must be logged in to comment

You can Log in now or Sign up for a new account