I'm so lazy at work that I don't even bother to get up to pee. Instead, I keep a Mason jar under my desk. I'll never forget the time my boss asked for a sip of “apple juice.” I tried to stop him instead, I said "Absofuckinglutely" ya *&^%$$. He took a gulp like a ravenous maniac who spent days in Chinatown. They ate like mad men there. It's where he met Ingrid...I met her there too, we shared a fondness for Shanghai dumplings and steamed buns. I never knew if she liked me but we always talked easily about the various sauces she liked: Hot mustard, honey mustard, BBQ, mango habanero sauce. It wasn't until after that party that she realized she could mix them all together to make one huge fruit salad. But she thought better of it and decided to put it under her roommates bed hoping that it would rot and smell. She deserved it after the episode where she forgot to flush after the chili-eating contest. The bathroom was literally a biohazard area for a week. Sweet revenge!



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