I woke up quick, at about Noon. It was Sunday. Also, my legs were missing. Breakfast consisted of eggs on toast, with a side of sharp despair. I missed my legs. Where could they have run off to? I should have kept my legs in a tighter pair of pants. I sipped my coffee. It was Sunday, so maybe they were at church. Of course, getting to the church would be more difficult without my legs, so I rented a wheelchair from the local dealership. This one was the luxury model. It had a GPS, heated leather armrests & seat, platinum & diamond wheels, & a 4.8 liter auto-drive system. If I really wanted to, I could go from 0 - 242 mph in 2 seconds in my wheelchair. Church was full of the usual riffraff. Grace, who was wrongly named, would routinely steal cupcakes from the bake sale outside, right in front of Father Essex. I'd often wheel up to her and s lap the everloving snot out of her, just to make sure she remembered to bring me some of the stolen cupcakes. Each new trick she pulled, however, was just a little more devious... For her latest trick she had mortgaged my soul with me not even noticing. She managed to ransom free 3 nuns of the Sisters of Perpetual Motion & still got me a 2% return on my soul music record collection, which she had sold in order to buy a used station wagon for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion (or "Perps" for short). I chose not to argue with them, as they were senile: Sister Agatha, for example, wore no underwear, no socks, no shoes; she smelled of citrus fruit, and kept photographs of naked children under her Habit. I loved them. Ah, those memorable, real-life, senile nuns! The Flying Nun, Singing Nun, and Whoopi Goldberg had NOTHING on them, baby! I was so enamored I bought the whole bunch a station wagon.



1 LordVacuity's photo

Imma just goona leave this here.


2 TarotGuy's photo

There’s just something magical about nuns and station wagons, as Archie Bunker discovered nearly 50 years ago. And just think: Nuns and station wagons showed up not once, but TWICE in this story!

3 Jimbeau's photo

In the movie Lilies of the Field, Sidney Poitier’s character, Homer Smith, drives a 1959 Plymouth Sport Suburban wagon.

4 LordVacuity's photo

I can’t recall the Archie Bunker reference, I’ll have to kick my brain on or google it, later.

Just wanted to chime in about the nuns and station wagons. Nuns being anything but nuns is as old as the mother superior I’m referring to as being as old as old can be and still wear a bad habit. Which is all of us. That is neither here nor there. Wherever it lies it lies with conviction rendering them no longer lies. Merely falsehoods. Who’s to say what is false? Now you see what side my butter is toasted on.

5 LordVacuity's photo

Back to nuns in station wagons. Many a brothel, I mean Revival Wagon, plied their wares in the Old West. Traveling from boom town to boom town with them French hussies from Wisconsin.

No. I meant to remind you all of the station wagon full of nuns that were mistaken for pot smugglers in Cheech & Chongs Up in Smoke.

The gun running nun in Two Mules For Sister Sara.

The nuns in The Hours from the Decameron and their “mule”.

The nuns in Chaucer ...

The story I posted as a “sequel” (maybe) was a rough approximation of a Mexican corrido about cocaine smuggling nuns in a station wagon.

I think the idea of nuns being twice “sacred” gave them a sort of protection that allowed those who wanted to abuse the system. It allowed them to get away with a lot of smuggling. All cultures except for when they were actually raping them considered woman worthy of protection. That was their first protection, flimsy as it was. Then being a nun, or promised to a god, or goddess, or God, whatever, gave them another protection from those who claimed them in their fold. Look at me channeling Ruatha and Camille Paglia. Elaine Pagels. That name shouted to be included.

Nuns, Vestal Virgins, Oracles, the Sybol, etc, were all sacrosanct. They were given lots of leeways other women didn’t get. Prestige. The were somewhat untouchable. He would have to be a bold tribune to search beneath a Vestal Virgin’s vestments whom he suspected of smuggling sacred wine for the bacchanal behind the temple of Venus.

6 LordVacuity's photo

In Shakespeare a nunnery sometimes referred to a brothel and vice versa.

“Get thee to a nunnery!”

7 LordVacuity's photo

When I was a kid being inculcated into Catholicism we had a joke.

What meat does a priest eat on Friday.


How wrong we turned out to be.

8 LordVacuity's photo

This is starting to sound like my Ode to the Apple. (eden, Paris, kallisti, Troy, Police Academy, Snow White, Apple Corp., Apple, and Apple Martin.)

9 LordVacuity's photo

Peaches Geldof.

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