Did you know that chewing two sticks of gum for 30 minutes is as good as brushing your teeth? And that if you put a cup of vinegar in your crisper your veggies last all year? And that inserting chalk inside stinky shoes will remove nasty odors? And that hairspray will remove ink stains? Got tarnished silver? All you need is a little baking soda and some elbow grease. Stains on your leather sofa? Just paint the rest of the leather the same colour as the stains. Cat peeing in your shower? Call an animal rescue centre to rehome it in no time. Dog ate your parents? Have the dog's stomach pumped then take your parent's remains to a shaman to get them reanimated. Can't open the pickle jar? Make the dog eat it. Wait for its stomach acid to dissolve the jar, have its stomach pumped, then eat those sweet, sweet pickles. But remember, the dog will never again eat like it used to. Its digestive system is badly deformed by the pickle jar rendering it unable to eat anything ever again. You would always have to inject mushed up dog food to feed it. Guess who's job it was mush it up for the damned dog? Of course it was me. Who else could they all bully but the baby. I think I was 4 when this happened. But the dog?! Oh he died when, as revenge, I mushed some rat poison into his food. Though only 4, I knew it was rat poison because of the rat and skull pictures on the jar. No-one suspected me, Henry Kissinger, of co-opting anti-rat weapons to vanquish the rats' enemies. The rats themselves were fairly nonplussed. I adjusted my spectacles, oversized on a 4-year-old, and approached Kissinger. He looked worried and stepped back but paused when I smiled. “I have one question for you, Dr. Kissinger,” I said. “What was it like screwing Jill St. John?"

 

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