Pork & beans are funnier than baked beans because they have pork in them. Pork is funny. Pork buns are funny. Bok choy isn't messy enough. Finger sandwiches, eh. Pies - very funny. But the funniest joke I ever heard was told to me by Lord Porcus Porkington of Porkling Manor, Porkshire. The punchline was: "You don't want to eat a pig like that all at once" Bwa -hahas all around. Bust my chops, that was a good rib, I have to admit. I never knew Lord Porcus was such a ham, until now. "Sow, now what?" I asked. Lord Porcus hocked up a loogie. "Let me think." He cured my curiosity then and I didn't want to rub salt in his wounds. He smoked and thought of Virginia. Virginia Slims. The skinniest lounge singer this side of the Thames. She would know her way out of this mess, Lord Porcus thought allowing his mind to marinate in memories of her. As Lord Porcus dreamed his erotic dreams of her, Virginia Slims "knew" every guy in the bar until they were too exhausted to stop her from sliding out the back door. She hailed a Yellow Taxi and the driver whisked Virginia Slims to her house under the coriander. Lord Porcus was so hammered he let his deputy take over. It was a long night for everyone. Then early the next morning a native uprising in the town square got put down by Redcoats wearing new full backpack. Which meant a fresh well provisioned army had entered the fray. The Redcoats were well-provisioned but lacked training. Before one attack, their officer ordered “Fix Bayonets!” A soldier replied, “Sir, I don’t think the bayonets are broken." The officer screamed, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN NOW GO OR I'LL FIX MY BAYONET ON YOU! The officer repeated his order. They tried but with one problem. The bayonets were actually broken.

 

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