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"Anything liquid, flammable, perishable,

  • "Anything liquid, flammable, perishable, or hazardous in here sir?" "Nope, just a book." Inside was a fruit salad mixed with gasoline stored in a glass bowl. I was sending my ex

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  • terminator a gift basket, to "thank" him for the "gift" of a million cockroaches he bestowed upon my house. The gasoline fruit salad was sure to be a blast, but first I had to get

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  • rid of these cockroaches, one of which just crawled up my nose and lodged itself in my frontal lobe. I suddenly lost control of my memory, sexual behavior and judgement. Whipping

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  • cream in a mixing bowl, I knew it was done when the cream formed stiff peaks. I put the mixing bowl over my head but the cream didn't fall out so I created a

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  • an ice cream hair treatment and called it Hair Gelato! Fabulous, ring my bell pixie people!" That was Uncle Mary for you, always saying the most outlandish crap, and looking like a

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  • loon. But then Uncle Mary offered me a Hair Gelato franchise on crippling terms that I couldn't refuse because he knows about that thing that happened with Aunt Ron in Wookey Hole

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  • Aunt Ron and Uncle Mary lived in Wookey Hole for fifty years. Their kitchen was by the chicken coop and a rooster woke everyone up without fail at 5 in the morning. No alarm needed

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  • because necessity was not the reason for my alarm. I was astounded, is what I was, astounded to wake and find that existence was still a going concern. I thought Non-Being had won.

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  • The annoying noise next to my head was just the static of my crappy clock radio. Across the room I saw the toaster I had tried to fix last night. Still broken. And yet, I was

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  • still bitter and upset with my girlfriend for leaving me. She can have someone else. I no longer care about her. I have to let her go. She ruined my life.

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