Wilfred Brimley scowled at the children at the table. "Eat your Goddam oatmeal!" he spat, spraying bits of Jimmie Dean sausage & scrambled egg across the table into their terrified little faces. Wilfred was in a foul mood,which probably meant his diabeetus was acting up again. "I hate staying at Uncle Wilfred's house" whispered Jane, who ducked when a pancake Came sailing over her head. “Batter up!” Uncle Wilfred shouted as he prepared to send another Jane’s way. “This was going to be a long, long, visit” she thought “If only I had my EZ-Bake Oven, I could turn all this flying batter into tasty treats that the whole family would enjoy!" Sadly, Jane, in her demented state, had forgotten that the domestic toy she was enamored with had long ago been sold by her explorer father to a native tribe deep in the forests of Africa. Rather than cook with it, they had made it their queen. "All hail Queen Whirlpool!" raved the shaman "She consecrated to Chief!" In bedroom, Chief Wala excitedly entered the oven. Nada. He toyed with dials & fell asleep inside. He woke to a shaking angry Queen Whirlpool. "How dare you sleep around with other appliances!" Chief Wala wailed "But her burners made me hot & she really bakes my biscuit. If you know what I mean.", said Princess HotPocket. Sir Red Devil saw the blush on Queen Whirlpool's face and lost all control. He pushed Chief Wala to the side, grabbed the steering wheel, and drove the car up the side of the Convenient Getaway Beam. Chief Wala and Princess HotPocket landed safely and soundly on the carpetlike grass, whereas the q uestion missed it's mark & started a small riot among the answers that was neither here nor there. Chief Wala & Princess HotPocket boarded the Next Story Express & waved goodbye.



1 Scribbly's photo


Nice touch.

2 Woab's photo

I know. PurpleProf just cracks me up!

3 PurpleProf's photo

Well, thanks, y’all! Wilfred Brimley IS the face of diabeetus.

4 jayursus's photo

That, and a shape-shifting alien trying to escape Antarctica…. I think they are connected somehow

5 Woab's photo

I still think this one is hilarious and deserves more likes.

6 Woab's photo

Jayursus’ first line cracks me up, and it just keeps going from there.

7 jayursus's photo

My fold directly comes from those Quaker Oats commercials of the 80s with Wilfred Brimley in them.  I always thought he had some sort of simmering rage building up over the kids not eating enough oatmeal.  PurpleProf caught that perfectly.  Hilariously, I had never seen the “Diabeetus” ads he was famous for until recently.  I would pay good money for some sort of mashup between the Quaker Oats commercials, Blaire from “The Thing” and his “diabeetus” ads.

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