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The Jackson Five. Is that right? What sort

  • The Jackson Five. Is that right? What sort of day are you going to have when the first thing you hear is the Jackson Five. He kept driving because he knew

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  • the Jackson Five were after him. He was speeding a little-- okay, a lot-- and he could only hope that he wouldn't pass any police officers. Other cars angrily honked their horns

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  • but OJ Simpson just kept driving, he eased off on the gas. He was on the 405 doing about 35 minutes with a wig and 10K in the truck. He couldn't figure out why the Jackson 5

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  • wouldn't schedule a normal money drop like all the other blackmailers. No matter. OJ checked behind him and the Jackson 5 were right there. He chucked the suitcase out the window

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  • which landed on the booby-trapped gnome that had been placed there in case any suitcases came flying around. Gnome shards lodged into OJ's skull. Suddenly, OJ had a craving for

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  • grape juice, and went in search for some. All the while his partner, Alex, was dodging gnome bombs.

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  • Those gnomes may look cute, but they are mean and disgusting creatures. Even trolls steer clear of them, especially after the Great Gnomepocalypse of 1282, when the trolls were

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  • forced to dip thousands of gnomes in polyethylene and sell them to housewives all across America. Trolls are just too creeped out by American lawns now, so most of them have moved

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  • to rocky deserts far from the suburbs, places devoid of grass and watering hoses, abandoned frisbees and cat poop. They left something of themselves behind, though, and now

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  • the bones of the suburbanites were the playthings of the descendants. One by Four by Nine meant nothing to them, but something to the cats, and the Monolith would teach them well.

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