January: August the Alcoholic and Delilah

Delilah had a nervous breakdown and called her friend, the witch doctor. Dr. Wicked was an expert lobotomist. August had heard lobotomies were helpful at curing mental illnesses.

His preferred method of curing mental illness was lots of spices, mesquite, and meat grinding of affected brain cells, and he had a liberal view about what constituted affection.

Which is why he is not allowed near nurseries, schools, old folks homes, funeral parlors, prisons, churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, or any zoos. But he was a fine lobotomis

t and a four star restaurant chef. It's best not to think about it too much. Sit down and enjoy your meal. "Fugetaboutit!" Who needs brains when you have

a huge hickey bearing the unmistakable tooth-mark patterns of Jessica Blankridge on your neck? This will surely make you the talk of the Grundson Junior High Lunchroom. Walk with

confidence, and pray that with every step you take, your neck will shrink a centimetre or two. Do not wish too hard, or you will find yourself but a mere speck, and this

might sound fun to you, exploring the carpet like it's a giant beige forest. But you have responsibilities you can't fulfill if you're tiny. At least not if your THAT tiny. Instead

you should drink the elixir that will grow you to the size you need to be. You should be careful not to drink too much or you will

grow obliquely. You know, this elixir is extracted from the Pisa river, where flowers don't grow linear.