I just threw old cheesecake at an old kegerator

You did WHAAAAT???!!! That was MY cheesecake, you damn fool! I want you to swim out to the middle of the lake right now & get it back. Then while you're out there, bring me a beer

goggle, just one. Actually, make that a beer monocle. I want to watch you save my cheesecake from croc-infested waters without thinking you're more than mildly attractive. Time is

an illusion that can be bent to meet the will of the enlightened. I sipped my colada and tried to act surprised when the croc clamped down on your femur in slow-motion. Cheesecake

was smooshed in between my butt cheeks by an unknown assailant. I was the one being surprised. Suddenly, I had a bag over my head and zip ties around my wrists

which is normal for my Saturday nights, but this was a Tuesday. OMG, someone must be kidnapping me so they can get their hands on my bedazzled mini dinosaur collection.

Do you know how hard it is to find bedazzled mini dinos? & I'm talking before the times of ebay & etsy, I started collecting these suckers old school style. Now any hipster on the

South Beach diet can own them. What I really want are Beanie Baby's.

But Beanie Babies don't want me, I'm too fat. Rejected, I wandered along South Beach looking at all the dieting people. I sat down and ate a bucket of sand, page 1 of the diet

of scorpion beasts. Much to my chagrin, this enamored a giant crab monster to me. I found it hard to requite, for my love was too reminiscent of the beanbag animals I once adored.