Another holiday, another social obligation.

Burgess Meredith's skeleton was moved to the TV room. It messed with my head. My family would shout Rocky quotes and I couldn't listen to the pathetic pleading on Intervention.

Burgess' skull just sat there and did its best to scowl in disdain, but it was just a skull and had unfortunate and limitations. It stayed that way of course, until the zombies

came on the screen. Burgess loves watching zombie flicks. You could see hie eye-holes light up. I began feeding him yogurt. "Through the teeth and over the gums" I sang as it spilt

infinitives to expertly show my grammatical prowess. Burgess Meredith then

rubbed himself down with Wesson oil until he glistened with sexual energy before entering the arena completely naked - energized by the cheering throngs. He picked up a

mushroom the size of diner plate and gripped it between the cheeks of his ass and staggered out into the rink. Staggered because it's hard to walk while griping with your buttocks.

Gretzky played poorly that night - just two assists; but he felt much better after getting a good sweat going. I'm proud to have the uniform he wore on that memorable occasion hang

..." I interrupted him with my hand there. Bored to tears with his sports story, I stood, grabbed my own folding chair, folded it up, and proceeded to beat him around the head and

found out that senseless violence gave me a new purpose in life. I went on the self-help circuit with my new book "I feel up when I push you down." America was fighting back.