Of course I can ride a bike. I just can't

It's a free country! If I want to drive slow in the fast lane and keep my blinker on for miles, it's my right! My grand kids are always screaming when I pass through a red light!

But my grandkids are dead because I locked them in an old refrigerator to suffocate

mere inches away from the fridge magnets they had made me. Knick knacks had a knack for purging my crazy. I snapped again when my niece gave me an M.R. Ducks picture frame.

Inside my head, I snapped. I'm an adult, and they insist on giving me children's toys for Hannukah. I just want video games. I just want my boyfriend to stop cheating on me.

So many things I wish I could have, but most of all I wish they would all just see me for who I am. Treat me as anything but a child, whose feelings should be spared.

Honey BooBoo spoke these words so sincerely. Neil Patrick Harris leaned over & held her hand. "I understand," he said as the others in the child star support group nodded.

"It's not easy being a child genius. I should know, or I'm not Doogie Howser, er, I mean Neil Patrick Harris." Honey Booboo was all ears, a trickle of drool forming at the corner o

f her mouth. "Yew-cain-gella-mah-feenin-tor-moshin!" she said, and burped. It was hopeless. I couldn't help Honey Boo Boo become a child genius if I couldn't understand her.

And so I reached into my ear, rooting around for the babelfish in my brain. "This, my dear," I whispered as I pulled out the fish, "will make you a star."