It was one thing to read about them, another

me out from my hiding place. "WHO DAREST APPROACH MY HORDE!" I gingerly stepped out. "Excuse me, I'm Jay from USA Today. We had an interview at 3?" "OH, OF COURSE, HOW ARE YOU?"

"I'm good," replied Jay. "EXCELLENT," I laughed in a sinister fashion, "EVERYTHING IS FALLING INTO PLACE. YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR QUESTIONS." "When did you first want to become an evil

overlord?" "HMM, I STARTED LATE JAY, I GUESS WHEN I WAS 35, I HAD MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH THE DARK SIDE AND-" "Is that when you lost you virginity?" The audience roared with laugh

ter as I sat there silently. What was wrong with me, why dont I find these jokes funny when everyone else does? Then it hit me, I forgot I was deaf and cant even hear the movie.

But I can read lips, which pretty much means that every show with Gary Shandling gives me a total migraine. When I have a headache I

drink a pitcher of my patented green, 180-proof-Nyquil eggnog. Then i pass out, only to wake up three days later in Rockville, Maryland, married to a woman I've never met.

The volatile combination of sleeping pills and lactose never failed to bring out my mysterious, promiscuous alter-ego. My sanity returning, I quickly disposed of my wife's body.

by boiling her flesh down to a viscous gel and baking her bones till they easily turned to powder. Then I flushed the gel and powder down the toilet . One bowl full at a time. Ha!

Disposing of her this way was nice and sanitary so I didn't get so much as a ticket, and it was a very quick process, not that labor intensive. I was back to work in a few hours.