Kari loved cotton candy. She would frequent

be able to buy bags of it and drape it in her hair. So pretty! So sticky!

But Roland thought it was gross. He couldn't even look at her without gagging, so she

ripped his eyes out to make him feel better. She thought the "jean-sweatpants" were awesome and she got them at the flea market so

there were hardly any stains on them. Along with the old-fashioned railroad spike, she'd had a really good day at the flea market. Then she noticed his freshly plucked out eyes

and his crazed demeanor. "Oedipus," she cried, "not again!" She picked up the phone and called Costco to see if they had eyes in stock. She thought it best to buy in bulk.

Unfortunately for her, despite his lack of vision he knew his mother's voice when he heard it. His complex kicked in, and Oedipus chased her around the house, knocking over plants

and her fishbowl. As water, pebbles, and a little purple castle crashed into the floor, Oedipus's mom finally followed through on her threat - she signed him up for Boy Scouts.

He was first raped in Boy Scouts, by Scout Master Saul -- with various objects not easily raped into someone's freshly un-raped body. He tried to think of fruit -- but got meat.

Now I want to end this story on a happy note, so I am going to tell you that later Saul got eaten by a lion why attempting to have sex with it. That makes you feel better, right?