Deadly quiet, the gang of graffiti vandals

  • Deadly quiet, the gang of graffiti vandals hopped the outer fence and crept down the compound. Their intended target, a massive roadside billboard facing the westbound interstate,

  • was normally watched by security cameras, but tonight was different. There was a power outage, and the vandals knew they could replace the billboard's message with their own

  • . They tagged the sign in big red letters, "Doctor Who has a posse!" The increase in geek misdemeanors was a blight on Silicon Valley. Roving gangs of Segwayers would speed

  • past the desert turtles, giggle snorting as they made rude jokes with reference to obscure science fiction graphic novels at pedestrians. Sweat shone from their pasty faces

  • which is why fat people should have to wear deodorant on their entire body. Why do fat people like science fiction? They dream about being planets! Why are fat people

  • always experts on dieting? I had a fat cousin named Vickie. She actually claimed to have invented the bacon burger. She went to Bunk's where they

  • deep fried bacon in bacon grease and layered it around a solid brick of bacon. All of this was served on a bed of bacon, topped with a light serving of bacon crumbs, set alight by

  • my bacon grease powered lighter. I smiled broadly at the vegan hippie boyfriend of my little Trixie through the flames. "You want to marry her? Fine. Then eat this."

  • I passed the slightly undercooked squirrel-on-a-stick to my daughter's vegan boyfriend. Now we'd really see how bad he wanted to marry Trixie. He was about to bite down when the

  • daughter we had raised slapped the squirrel out of his hands. "You're nothing but a weak-willed, unprincipled people-pleaser. Now get lost." Made me proud, she did.



  1. Chaz Jul 12 2011 @ 07:17

    Correction: Doctor Who is a statement as in "Doctor Who?" The character is just "The Doctor." Apologies to Tom Baker and the rest.

  2. SlimWhitman Jul 12 2011 @ 07:47

    You clearly don't belong to the Posse. ;-)

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