When I finally hit seventh grade, breakdancing

I was really into Run-DMC and we used to throw down some cardboard at the park on MLK. One time, I was just getting into my robot-running-out-of-batteries dance when

I realized it was 2011 and rap had been brutally murdered at least 12 years ago. I poured gasoline on my cardboard and lit a match, a hot dog vendor ran up and

scooped up the flames stuffin them under his Food cart. "Thanks Mate my Dogs were chillen." He drawled. "Screw you Kiwi, I was trying to emulate myself" "Well crawl under fool"

"I can't crawl under now it's gone all hot and fiery, can I!" piped the sarcastic man with the nice English accent. He came off a bit whiny, but damnit, he did have a point. What

did they expect? He sold out when he agreed to do the music video but where in the contract did it mention crawling and flames? He phoned his agent, she had get him more

protection than a flame-retardant thong. "This is such an opportunity!" cooed his agent. "I've already negotiated the rights to Celebrity Skin Grafts. It's huge." I made the video

infomercial featuring J.R. Martinez as the spokesmodel. Celebrity Skin Grafts Lotion sold out on QVC in less than 10 minutes. We discovered 1 glitch in the formula, however. When

actually applied to skin, the lotion appeared to do its job - fleshing out in that prettied-up Hollywood sort of way - but it did not merely blend in, it took over. Vanna White, M

odel/Actress, as her business cards read. She'd need a new name her new face. "Vanna White, meet Zanna Black. Turning letters is a chump's game anyway. I have bigger fish to fry."