Woman left, took up with friend, spent all

cranberry juice. He looked at it, and then jotted down: "urinary tract infections are a downer". Inspired, Hawkins realized that the geriatric segment would dig "medical blues"

so Hawkins teamed up with Loretta Lynn and Jack White on such hits as "There's a Cyst in my Tube," "Torrential Downpour/Prostate Blues," & "Now Papa, he had some Saggin' Stones."

It took the country music world by storm and soon they were playing to rooms full of toothless yokels and senior citizens everywhere. It was awesome, never before had they gotten

laid by so many, with such little effort. All they had to do was play the right song, give a little wink, and retire to the trailer to make whoopie 'til the sun came up. After Reno

911 was over they had a revelation. It shook the foundation of their trailer (or was that a bicycle that rode by?). They consulted their oracle, the carpet for answers to

their quest. They had the avocado shag carpet for years and each stain pointed the way. The spilled bong water looked like the upper part of Michigan, that was their destiny.

There they'd be like all the other hosers, syphoning gas with their mouths & making absolutely everything into a bong to fuel their masturbatory habit. The shag carpet came with.

"Wait, are you telling me this carpet is the same carpet that a bunch of guys... ugh, nevermind! I don't want to buy this house anymore." I stomped across the crusted shag carpet,

walked across the floor, and discovered the previous owner's "girlfriend", a spring loaded, soda bottle, encrusted in brown stains.