45

"No, seriously, I can't believe it's not

  • "No, seriously, I can't believe it's not butter!" I said, scooping another dollop onto my slice of bread. Stephanie rolled her eyes. "That's because it's not," she sighed.

    2
  • "It's whale blubber, which the Japanese and Norwegians claim is a 'sustainable resource." I was surprised at how relevant to current events this breakfast was. Stephanie then

    6
  • bent over the table, exposing her righteous coconut bangers, and seductively whispered "you're about to splatter your Cheerio's."

    3
  • And I did, those Cheerios splattered SO HARD all over her "coconut bangers" I screamed in embarrasment, but she just had this wierd look frozen on her face, so I tried to

    3
  • thaw her face out on 50% power in the microwave. I put one of those shiny cardboard things from a hotpocket under her face to crisp it up a little, but then

    6
  • the center remained cold as ice despite several minutes of meticulous microwavery. So as her forehead and chin received 2nd-degree burns, her nose stayed ghost-pale. Improvising, I

    6
  • grabbed my butane mini-torch that I usually used to caramelize the top of my famous creme brulee and bruleed her nose to a beautiful golden brown. I stepped back and admired

    6
  • my handiwork. DIY plastic surgery was a piece of cake. The things you could with liquid nails, caulk and a Home Depot account. Pinch the skin back with a few staples and Viola!

    6
  • The business boomed especially during the Halloween Holiday season when I could have up to eight appointments scheduled back to back. My nail gun and rubber cement gave clients the

    5
  • specific warming up which they truly deserved, and while this didn't make the authorities very happy, I have now reached my 25th record mistrial on the ground of incontinence. Fin.

    2

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