Along with a good portion of the country,

  • Along with a good portion of the country, I am still unemployed.

  • I prowl the streets with pockets full of resumes, looking to network with seated at a Starbucks. I have my elevator speech ready, "I add value by

  • admitting up front that I suck up resources and will completely disappoint you over and over again." The truth seemed to disarm some people in these short resume pitches. Larvae

  • crawled from my ear and I quickly pushed it back in. I can't let them see I'm a zombie, who would hire a dead person!? My urge to eat brains had subsided and the interview was over

  • so I grabbed my abdomen to prevent my organs falling out, and left the building. I suspected maggots were eating my zombie brain as I couldn't remember which job I'd applied for.

  • I headed to the Zombie Defamation League and protested that the company had a "Don't Die, Don't Tell" hiring policy. The ZDL gave me some staples to reattach my various innards.

  • And some disinfectant to prevent gangrene. The rights of the Unliving improved remarkably in the last decade. Back when we shambled on Washington singing Grateful Dead songs

  • and dry humped greasy women in smelly tents. When the "Dead" still had Jerry Garcia we were at the peak of our powers and we commanded

  • ant hills at best.

  • "Don't talk about my boobs that way," she commanded, smacking him across the face. She talked a big game, but deep down, she knew she was flatter than week-old soda.



Want to leave a comment?

Sign up!