Socorro,a brazilian girl whose name meant-literally-help,was

how many farts I had managed to shoot into the sofa cushion, but when I stood up

I turned around and noticed the cushion was, at least, 10 shades lighter. What the hell was in that milkshake? Doritios, had to be. That is the only substance known to man that

fits the Perfect 3: delicious, nutritious, and cheap! I usually have Cool Ranch for breakfast, Spicy Nacho for lunch, and a Salsa Verde / Four Cheese salad for dinner. If I get

lucky and have a date, I'll bring out some sour cream. It's never happened, but it might. Yes, it might. I know exactly what she'll look like. Her hair will be the color of

salsa or maybe guava chutney. When I try to compliment to object of my desire in this way it never seems to pique their interest. They were all interested in jocks not poets.

I confided this disappointment in my best friend, and he said it was time for a "Maaakeoverrrr!" He said the first thing was to lose the glasses and then to start building a tan at

-rophic leg, since "big legs can't fit into skinny jeans, duh." As he put green gel in my hair, I addressed the elephant in the room: "Hey man, how'd you flunk beauty school?" Ho

race the elephant didn't even flinch. He just wacked his trunk in my face and snorted. Guess I didn't need that gel anymore. 'Yo Horace, where's your sense of humor? Or did a mouse

steal it?" Horace laughed. "Pish posh. Mythbusters proved elephants aren't afraid of mice, they're just afraid of stepping on them." With that, Horace went off to write his memoirs