Roberta awoke with a start. She found herself

had been on the Cruise to Alaska with Great Uncle Sal who'd sent up to the room to get fishy snacks, Panama hats to keep from getting burned and an inflatable lounge chair but

neglected to get the pumps. The lounge chairs lay on the deck near the pool, flacid and alone, much like Great Uncle Sal himself. He trudged back to the room, but Aunt Fay's naked

bald spot was in desperate need for a rub. And, to his dismay, she had chosen him to do the job. The only thing he could think of was

pretending to get a cell phone call. How do you simulate a phone vibrating in your pocket?, he thought glumly, resigning himself to the chafing that was to come. That's when a pack

of rats ran through. He used the distraction to pocket a playskool cell phone lying on the floor. When attention returned to him he pressed the button and heard the message

left for him by the old lady from across the street, the one who smelled of moth balls and bourbon. Through her slurred speech, her voice mail message told him that

she had spotted strange going's-on around my house at night. The neighborhood dogs would quit barking and pitifully whine, Cats and opossums wold scurry away glancing behind the

thing that I couldn't quite make out since it was so dark outside. Rather than investigate, I peered into my freezer and grabbed a box of Lean Cuisine. It was a brand new flavor:

Microwave Mystery Meat Surprise. Since I fell in love with the portly lunch lady in high school I just couldn't get enough of mystery meat; McDonalds, Taco Bell, and now this. Yum.