Stories just don't start this way.

"Ahem" he said. "The suggestion box was completely empty again except for this message: I AM HORNY. All caps. Now, this leads me to believe

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates -". The dwarves stopped singing as one, realizing that Bilbo stood in the kitchen doorway, his arms

We were charged with coming up with new cereal concepts revolving around celebrities. Some, like Al Frankenberries, never made it past the concept stage, but others, such as Honey

I fed the elephant some acid, and it slept with one of the fish in the pool last night. The fish told me it has the fucking elephant's baby. I looked at it's belly

Kay's shoppe was an orgy of twee. She specialized in Hummel figurines, Teddy bears, and calico tea cozies. Collectors came from around the world to

He gazed out the window as a light drizzle gently blanketed the gardens outside. The rhythmic whirring lulled him into a lazy trance when the MOTHER F'ING COPIER F'ING JAMMED AGAIN

Scanning the horizon, no robot wolves appeared to have followed him. Grabbing his bass, Peter Tork boarded the last train to Clarksville and

In his dream, Matty had to choose between 3 boxes. The first box was green with the symbol of pi on it. The second was smaller, but was glowing with an unseen light. The third

As I wandered through the aisles of the convenience store, I saw the girl I would marry 58 years later. Yes 58... Anyway the story begins like this....

I always wondered how the course of human history would have diverged had "David" not been nude. I hired a local sculptor and some Renaissance fair actors to live out my fantasy.

"Is there a problem, officer?" Oh, I knew there was a problem - a hooker's arm wasn't jammed into my tailpipe by accident. But I needed to stall him just long enough to charge my

Jack traded his last guitar for five magic beans. Evening came early in the canyons of the city. The dangers were numerous, but the legumes were luminous. Jack planted one of them

I suppose, in hindsight, I shouldn't of given that monkey a loaded revolver. It was an easy misake to make though. I didn't think much of it at the time. I was too busy laughing at

Professor Xavier tried to break the news gently. "Thank you for applying, but the school is really intended for young people with mutant powers, so regrettably ..." Mr. Potatohead

Everything I'm about to tell you is a joke. You see that dog out the window? That's a trained Yakuza attack dog. I have to kill it before it kills you.

STEVE'S CAR BROKE DOWN,a note on top of Gail's desk let her know,so she prepared herself to face the subway.Since she had no money for a cab,she had to.Claustrophobia was bitch!As

Darla stepped out of the time machine into a world that little resembled the one she left moments before. Where were the trees, and what was that awful odor? She'd have to try

"Good morning! How are you?" He vibrated with rage. "How in hell would that be any of your damn business?! I'm fed up with your intrusive questions. By the way, how are you?"

The year was 2078, and The Bionic Replica of Jeb Bush was entering its 7th consecutive term as President of the United States of America and That One Real Nice Part of Asia. Jeb