I woke up next to a cute blonde who was completely unclothed, my clothes scattered all over the floor. I tried remembering what I did last night but all I could think of was

He finally slid off his jacket and began to unclasp the intricate lock that kept his pants buttoned. I should have known adultery with a locksmith would be a painfully slow affair.

As the Baby-Trapeze shot the Taco-Bell dog at the European Waffle-House waitress, the man realized that

The most beautiful sunset you've ever seen becomes colorless when you realize you have no one to share it with and you left your camera at home. Often I prefer to be alone, but not

The sweet young girl went to the circus.

The Marquis strode through the courtyard searching for his lost wench. His manservant would be whipped severely if she had escaped the camp. Women were hard to come by north of

His mission was to make sure every pond, pool, river, lagoon, lake, and run-off contained at least one rusted broken-down shopping cart.

"HA!" Jen started to laugh hysterically as Connor rolled his eyes. "Even though it was my first time doesn't mean you have to give me crap about it."

"Don't try this at home," he thought as he stuffed her corpse full of dynamite. He thought of having the fuse come out her vagina or ass, but that was too obvious. No, he would

A man in his mid-thirties sat in a booth near the back of the place, cursing at his three year-old daughter as if she were a lieutenant in his army. She stared at him for a moment

Her name was Ziva and we were sitting indian-style, holding hands under the most gorgeous red sunset I had ever seen when suddenly

In one fluid motion I pushed myself onto my feet, spun back around and continued my run into my house, up the stairs and into my room. Without turning on the light, I grabbed the

It was Friday which meant that it was trash day. When I went out to my dumpster I heard a noise that sounded like a baby crying. I peeped into the nasty rubbish and found

Never mind that Sharks have five rows of continuously growing teeth, the Sheik wanted the front tooth of his prize Great White repaired so he called Michael Rutzen, shark-whisperer

The bananas had brown spots on them so they looked like giraffe's. He'd heard these were the cavendash bananas. He'd heard there were way tastier bananas than these but

That song. She had heard it on the radio the day he left the mandala half finished. Now, he was near

*CRASH* If he's told her once, he's told her a hundred times not to place wine glasses close to the alarm clock. However

"Hello and thank you for purchasing the Orgreenic Zero Point Energy Stove and Slushee Machine. To get maximum satisfaction from this product, please follow these instructions with

As a kid my mother gave me enemas. When I broke into the womens dorm and gave my first victim an enema the 'enema bandit' was born. The press and Zappa song made me famous.

There was a picture of me sleeping on my phone. I live alone.