Bahumbug! Uttered the Santa suit wearing 3-toed sloth... Or so I thought it was a sloth in my current state. It was actually my mildly drunk and slightly high uncle Andy who

I think I'm going to get some wonton soup and an eggroll, then spend the afternoon in with an MSG buzz. I remember when Owsley would cook fried rice for us,

Around 10:30 am, I picked Cassandra up outside her apartment in north Seattle. I’d used her car the night before to scope out the place in Renton we were meeting at noon.

Unaffected by the screams, he proceeded to walk over the groaning, angry corpses, bound together by duct tape and hemp. Those that baked in the sun felt leathery beneath his toes

"Don't say shit!" she screamed, swiveling her head like the night before under completely different circumstances. "Even if you DO talk to the hand, only one of my fingers has

Baked goods were only one thing she could do. The owner of her building wondered how her gas bills could be so low, but fresh donuts had dulled his will to dig. Pyrokinetics did

I am waiting for snow to come so that i will go out and make snow balls and snow mans and play with them throughout the night even giving up sleep. The snow is disappointing me

Harvey flicked his tail, indicating his displeasure with Maude. Her soul shriveled into little pieces of burnt popcorn. She had served his usual filet mignon, cut into bite-sized

"Climate Change!" he exclaimed. The room was silent. One by one, audience members raised they're hands, but before he could call on any, a figure appeared in the

She was more attractive than most girls at my school and probably gave me the time of day because I was the only non-douche that would do the same to her. That’s the kind of thing

Letter openers are just so boring. Especially the one I got as a St. Patty's Day gift. My uncle was cool like that; giving gifts on random holidays. Sadly he missed the mark with

Didn't know you had one. You should have put it back. You have the warmth of a ketchup bottle at Denny's. Well go ahead and try. Just try. I'd like to see you give this

A car alarm went off, in the street. "Who's idiot's car is it this time?", thought Matt. "They should come up with a better system. Who really hears these anymore?"

I didn’t want to get out of the car and go back in the house. My rust colored El Camino’s battery was in the fifteenth round and was against the ropes pissing blood.

As she walked down the hall, lights blinked out and flickered back on as she passed. To the casual observer, she was magic and scary, but close observation would reveal a shadow

Mr. Trance has interviewed famous ravers. Unlike other ecstasy hosts who will dance with glow sticks, he packs his baggy pants with huge barrels of

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing, broken your sevant I kneel. It seems what's left of my human side is slowly changing in me.

The dragon plunged through the acid mists. The purity of it mad his scales feel clean. He tucked his wings in, spiraled towards the Stag Forests. He exhaled a trail of flames as

Defenseless kittens lazed in the sun outside the second story window. They'd made their way up the precarious awning to the ledge in hopes that the mouse farm's air conditioner

Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly were so drunk. (How drunk were they?). Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly were so drunk that they