The stakes were high. We were both fully armed. Me, with a library book, and it with a proboscis. I held the library book like a sword. It buzzzzzed near my ear, and I swung. WHAP!

Pee Wee Herman said that the Secret Word of the Day for today is: "the"...OK? Ready to tell the (AHHHHH!!!!) story? Here goes: Pee Wee and Cowboy Curtis decided to go camping.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved to play baseball. His favorite position was third base. He played baseball every summer with his friends at the park. They had fun.

I looked upon the moonlight that rest upon the glen, when I realized with great pleasure that this was the moment my life had built itself up for. I had finally discovered love and

When we met again, Krixix petted me psychically. "My good human!" I didn't mean to bristle, and sent my regrets. But we both remembered that Arcturians had treated us like pets. E

I have billions of dollars, I am going to cure malaria. I have billions of dollars, I am going to run for president. I have billions of dollars, I am going to dress as a bat.

As I lay dying on the road to Costco, I was passed by dozens of pilgrims, the holy, the walking ascended, in the world but not of it, their faces lit by their uplifted palms, resi

Tuesday book store from a parallel universe popped into existence near work. I went in to peruse their wares, books such as Salmon Rustie's "The Slavonic Purses", "The Unbearable

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says "Woah, it's pretty hot in here today!". The other sausage replies "Holy crap! A talking sausage!".

"Juergen, what are you doing out here? Your supposed to be realigning the Studebakers wheels!" "Sorry Bob,I was just reaching a Kolmogorov-Arnold-Moser state." "Jeez Juergen, can't

Delaney had done time but was still omnicautious. He was drinking his life away when Anton the Glowtat Roach got on his hand and said, "We found you a place at Harrison's Diner."

He had just come home with his groceries when he saw a SWAT team surround his house. The police chief stopped him. "You can't go in there for the next 48 hours."

It was final: "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Curb Appeal" would be merged into one half-hour show, featuring a celebrity judge every week and a "sudden death" segment in which one

Everything I do becomes a fad. I drank White Russians BEFORE "The Big Lebowski." I had an ironic goatee in the Eighties! (I wish I could just sue somebody.)

Ten out of ten dogs

It's a true tale worth retelling. That of Ichabod and Susanna. Let their demise not be wasted, for their mistakes should not be your own. Recall their meeting upon the wharf at

"Time for our date," said Death, patting the backseat of the tandem bike. I wanted out. "Sorry, I, uh, didn't bring a helmet. I wouldn't wanna fall off and die." This saddened him

I do not like thee, Dr. Fell. The reason why I cannot tell. But this I know and know full well. I do not like thee, Dr. Fell.

The headline screamed "Giant shrieking vampire hellbats invade the Vatican!" I picked up the paper and read further. "In a secret vault under the Vatican, Pope Francis I cowers as

The Sub sandwich had a stance that justified it's existence in the Sandwich Hall of Fame, which of course was located in Philadelphia. No genuine dispute