As I lay dying on the road to Costco, I was passed by dozens of pilgrims, the holy, the walking ascended, in the world but not of it, their faces lit by their uplifted palms, resi

Tuesday book store from a parallel universe popped into existence near work. I went in to peruse their wares, books such as Salmon Rustie's "The Slavonic Purses", "The Unbearable

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says "Woah, it's pretty hot in here today!". The other sausage replies "Holy crap! A talking sausage!".

"Juergen, what are you doing out here? Your supposed to be realigning the Studebakers wheels!" "Sorry Bob,I was just reaching a Kolmogorov-Arnold-Moser state." "Jeez Juergen, can't

Delaney had done time but was still omnicautious. He was drinking his life away when Anton the Glowtat Roach got on his hand and said, "We found you a place at Harrison's Diner."

He had just come home with his groceries when he saw a SWAT team surround his house. The police chief stopped him. "You can't go in there for the next 48 hours."

It was final: "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Curb Appeal" would be merged into one half-hour show, featuring a celebrity judge every week and a "sudden death" segment in which one

Everything I do becomes a fad. I drank White Russians BEFORE "The Big Lebowski." I had an ironic goatee in the Eighties! (I wish I could just sue somebody.)

Ten out of ten dogs

It's a true tale worth retelling. That of Ichabod and Susanna. Let their demise not be wasted, for their mistakes should not be your own. Recall their meeting upon the wharf at

"Time for our date," said Death, patting the backseat of the tandem bike. I wanted out. "Sorry, I, uh, didn't bring a helmet. I wouldn't wanna fall off and die." This saddened him

I do not like thee, Dr. Fell. The reason why I cannot tell. But this I know and know full well. I do not like thee, Dr. Fell.

The headline screamed "Giant shrieking vampire hellbats invade the Vatican!" I picked up the paper and read further. "In a secret vault under the Vatican, Pope Francis I cowers as

The Sub sandwich had a stance that justified it's existence in the Sandwich Hall of Fame, which of course was located in Philadelphia. No genuine dispute

The scientist locked the Gamma Ray's target on the fish. This was the last phase of his research. He pulled the trigger just as his Cat jumped on the fish. The Gamma Ray fused

"I sometimes look back over my old folds & reflect on what my folds say about me. Frankly, Dr. Noah, I am appalled by some of the folds I've written. I think I need psychotherapy."

"Yo dawg, what's crackin'?" Asked Brother Joe to Father Ted. "I was just admiring the great work of Our Lord, brother, isn't it great and miraculous? Isn't it proof that He loves

Don't mess with me. Just give me three gin and tonics and leave me ALONE! But before you go, would you mind handing me the remote? I want to watch "Leave It to Beaver" reruns.

My parents gave me advice like "Don't talk with your mouth open." and "Hold my hand while crossing the street. I don't want to die alone."

The museum shuts down. The mummy sits up and yawns.