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All that was left was to think of a catchy

  • All that was left was to think of a catchy band name. Crab Rangoon was bandied about, but ultimately discarded. Lenny suggested Feta-ed Fetid Fetus (he always had to get cheese
  • y). We finally settled on Earitate. Listen to our music and you'll understand why. Our band was so horrible, we were GREAT! Earitate was all things postmodern. We liked to push our
  • bodies together backstage before a big show. The friction was sooo stimulating. Then Earitate would take the stage and putrify every last earhole within a tri-county radius. Listen
  • screeeetch--chak-chack-chak-brrrrrrrrr-brrrrrrrr-brrraaaaaaarr--flappappapapa-piiitong. Note Earitates virtuous use of finger-nail-on-chalkboard-jackhammer-dentist-drill-vuvuzela-
  • cymbals CRASHING...a porcelain buffalo on rollers going down Lombardi street SLAMMING into a truck carrying MIRRORS
  • all being overshadowed by Mariah Carey hitting a sustained high note for near an hour in the middle of all this commotion. Nobody within 5 miles ever heard anything again.
  • This is how a new dialect of sign language developed. People would sign by wiggling their ears and their toes
  • to the beat of flagellating vocal tones that nobody could hear, but FEEL. The bass sounds resonated the fatty tissue and shortly, that became 1 of many new sign language terms.
  • I hoped that the flagellation of the bass notes would break down my cellulite like it says in the ads. But instead it produced a cellulitic effect all over my body. My lumpy face
  • was the least of my problems! As I experienced "the Mozart Effect" in reverse, my buttocks hyperextended beyond the confines of my white cotton briefs. I'm hotter than Niki Minaj!

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