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"Coffee - and Irish it up for me," said the

  • "Coffee - and Irish it up for me," said the man in the bright blue jump suit. He didn't strike the waitress as
  • a drinker, but She was getting used to that. She reached for the Bushmills right as the bell over the door rang.
  • There he was, her greatest nemesis: Lindsay Lohan, queen of all that
  • stanks. The room fulled with the sickening aroma of tuna melt gone bad. "I knew it was you, Lindsay Lohan," she said choking back a heave, " I could smell your nasty crotch from
  • your last TMZ spread." She winced and gave that look from the Parent Trap that made Dennis Quaid ditch the hot blond in favor of his forty-something ex-British Disney abandoneer.
  • But the Abandoneer kept calling Dennis, Randy Quaid. She kept telling him how much she loved Christmas Vacation. Dennis couldn't take it. His brother was so much more
  • stoned, homeless, and untalented. Because even having the name "Randy" as a celebrity connotes failure: Jackson (Idol); Jackson (5); Johnson. How Randy Quaid thought he could
  • "Randy" himself into the hearts of Americans, we may never know, though he's cute in a post-apocalyptic sort of way. However high or high-n-dry or lack-a-knack Randy was, he grew
  • 3 sizes that day. But how could such growth be supported? This violation would be reported. So Randy, American Sweetheart, friend to animals and small children
  • everywhere fell from grace on that fateful day, much like Meg Ryan did after screwing around with the volatile bag of testosterone that is Russell Crowe. The end.

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