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"Just cos you're tied to the porch doesn't

  • "Just cos you're tied to the porch doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars." My beer foamed through my nose. "Dad, I thought your beer belly was to hide the unemployed dwarf."
  • Then my father turned to me, belched and spit, "Son, it's time you knew. You are the unemployed dwarf."
  • That made me incredibly happy. First, I had never heard my father belch before. Second, understanding the reason of my short stature made me free to join the traveling circus.
  • I'd been practicing my juggling, unicycling, fire sword swallowing, and tight rope walking for years and now it was about to pay off. What the circus managers didn't know
  • was my amazing ability to swallow an elephant. You see, inside this skin sits a boa constrictor. I was a science experiment that was turned loose when funding cuts shut down the
  • lab before I could revert back to being human. It was great being a boa constrictor, though. I had a hankering for a walrus one day and headed over to the zoo. A little kid
  • was great as a morning snack but I was starving. So I ate a penguin, a fruit bat, two baboons, a frilled neck lizard and of course a walrus. The we're delicious but I had trouble
  • explaining to the head zookeeper how my extreme weight gain and the sudden disappearance of animals were not causally related. "Just bulking up for my annual weight loss resolution
  • failure," I offered, cheerily patting my abdomen. "The greatest omentum!" The zookeeper was not impressed by my vocabulary. "I will prove you ate the emu." She looked emaciated.
  • ...while I looked emuciated.But you know what they say: Opposites attract.She lunged on me suddenly,but you know, I was used to this reaction from women.It was my animal magnetism.

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