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I was a big fan of Star Wars as a kid. I

  • I was a big fan of Star Wars as a kid. I guess that's why I wore the Vader mask when I robbed the 7-eleven. When they showed me on the evening news I couldn't help but feel pride
  • I had turned to the the Dark side! It went viral. Soon everybody was in the act, a Ninja robbed a dry-cleaners, a pirate at the Fashion Bug. That's when those do-gooders started
  • turning to the Dark side ironically. My culture of punching babies and laughing at sick puppies has been co-opted by a bunch of spoiled upper-middle class hipsters.
  • It seemed now would be the best time to destroy Portland. It had babies, sick puppies, and all the hipsters I could bare to hate. Now all I had to do was begin my conquest.
  • And so I bought the motherload of guns, swords, missiles, atomic defence shields, the whole lot. And I didn't forget the most important thing:
  • Camouflage duct-tape! Guns, Ammo and such are the consumables of a modern army but Camouflage duct-tape is a necessity. Modern equipment is so flimsy almost every thing has to be
  • sold by IKEA. Their directions have this soulless ghost who happily constructs pre-fab particle-board crap. The total opposite of a carpenter who is God's son which is why
  • Satan decided to buy a considerate amount of IKEA shares. Artisan furniture never sold well in a crisis anyway, and Satan had orchestrated this crisis well. Jesus was out of a job
  • for three days, but everyone knew you couldn't keep him down. He stood outside the temple to disposable furniture and preached sustainability. The Swedes saw their error and
  • that's when they came up with the new & improved Swiss Army Knife. Cheering filled the streets. Down with the imperialist classism of a disposable economy! Virtue in all things!
Started
2011-05-07 17:08:28
Finished
2012-04-27 02:20:26

2 Comments

  1. Avatar

    SlimWhitman Apr 27 2012 @ 08:50

    The 'hipsters': http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local&id=7569644 http://www.mlive.com/news/detroit/index.ssf/2010/09/video_ferndale_police_arrest_d.html
  2. Avatar

    Chaz Apr 28 2012 @ 16:13

    This happened close to my home: http://www.12ozprophet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115506

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