He had cut off shorts, vans, an inner tube,

He had cut off shorts, vans, an inner tube, a 12 pack of Pabst, no sun screen, Too Short box set and bologna sandwiches. He was ready for the river but when he got there

he realized the inner-tubes were low on inflation. He pulled out the nozzle and pushed it between his lips. The edge was sharp and scarred from dragging, so he cradled it with his

cowboy hat. Cowboy TV knew it would take all his breath to save this many inner-tubes. That's why he had prepared by

acknowledging he was hated by all and committed suicide to the relief of the general populace.

Wait, which president were we talking about again? They all fit the bill, but let's just say Gerald Ford. Anyways, Americans celebrated Gerald Ford's suicide by

erecting an erect erection in the rectory. There was dancing in the streets, partying in the basements, and f*cking in the bathrooms. If only there was a way to clean the

images from my mind. It got pretty primal there for a minute and I'm not sure I can go back to my day-to-day routine after seeing

"Can't Stop the Music" fifty times in a row. Admittedly, It was nice to get into the Guiness Book of World Records but my mind snapped like cherry licorice.

"I must have ALL the records!" I screamed. I had to be the tallest man AND the shortest man (and woman too). I'd make my skin stretch and my eyes bulge, and I'd grow the longest

toenails until they curled into a tight ball like the glorious shell of a giant snail. At this moment the judges arrived from Guiness to check the records... they were broken.