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I'm not sure when my sofa became sentient,

  • I'm not sure when my sofa became sentient, though I'm certain it was after I had moved out of my ex-girlfriend's loft apartment but before I rented that hole over on 4th. Anyway,
  • my sofa was very moody and was not as comfortable as usual. Leading me to believe it was premenstral tension. I dropped some chocolate down the back of the sofa which cheered her
  • up somewhat. But she still wouldn't let me sit on her tender cushions. Sofa insisted on her favorite pillow which I tenderly reminded her the cat had puked on. "You don't love me."
  • "Oh but I do!" cried Sofa. "Then let me sit on you!" I implored. "I don't want the pukey cushion." "No, I'm not emotionally ready yet," she said. "I'm afraid that if I let you sit
  • down I'll never be able to let you stand up. Haven't you ever felt that way about somebody?" I looked away. Sofa wasn't the first girl whose cushions I wanted to drown in. Recliner
  • had her way with me more than once by the fire. "Oh just sit down on my edge. Just for a second. Just to see what it feels like." 12 hours later I woke up with a neck crick that
  • would have made a brontosaurus look for Advil. But I noticed that my shell had broken, into two, no three pieces. My yolk was still there, but the white had soaked into the
  • cracks. I cringed. It was egg-asperating to find that my best laid plans had failed. Still I had to keep myself from completely cracking up. I asked my hard-boiled friend Hugh for
  • a bookshelf, a keg of beer, a giraffe, and a Twilight movie. I was going to make a bomb. Somehow he was able to find everything in the prison. Soon, we would be free.
  • We underestimated the incendiary power of a Twilight movie..The bomb worked just a little too well. They found only small pieces.

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