My first mistake was probably getting "If
- My first mistake was probably getting "If lost, please return to..." and my address engraved on to my house keys. My second was
- dropping them at the Drunken Monkey, the shadiest dive bar in town. I had headed out to celebrate my promotion with a few friends from work, but we had a few too many and
- i peed my pants. My friends laughed, but i was drunk and thinking it was just some sort of yellow juice. After that party, i made a video in youtube about
- silly little jelly beans that jumped and sang. I wasn't proud of myself, but hell, I was drunk, and flash looked like an easy way out of the pain. Melissa left me, and it made me
- horny. I called a phone sex line and told a girl to rub butter on my calves. "Not that Land O' Lakes shit!" I barked. "This is long distance! I want my money's worth!" However,
- I had forgotten that I was in the land of lakes, in fact I was drowning in a lake of my own faeces. 'Goddamn, y'all know I can't come without my banjo!' I screamed to Charlene, who
- had her "skull candy" ear buds in. She couldn't hear me at all. Reading her lips I saw that she was singing, "Move Bitch get out the way." The feces was at my chin, undigested bits
- of bacon spewing mightily onto her face. I showed her the error of her ways 'cause she couldn't get out of mine fast enough if she had to ravel up her damn ear buds by hand. Bitch.
- I started by pulling her nails out one by one. Then I carefully picked the bacon off her face and fried with her eggs. The best breakfast I'd had in years. Then I decided I'd had
- this dream too often to be ignored,so I left my wife, resigned as president of the Vegan Majority & took a job flipping burgers at Shake Shack. Burger therapy brought the cure.
- Started
- 2011-04-23 10:59:19
- Finished
- 2011-12-17 05:28:45
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SlimWhitman Dec 17 2011 @ 06:05
Lester Burnham: "Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's. " - American Beauty