When the war ended, Derek left the army and

When the war ended, Derek left the army and spent his war pension on plastic surgery. At first

he started with his eyebrows and softening his jaw line. Eventually though cosmetic surgery he became completely faceless. The army hired him back as a man of disguise.

They called him "Wildcard." His face was as smooth as an egg. Just 5 slits in his skin for a face. They could transform Wildcard into anyone. They implanted digital vocal

amplifiers in his neck and molded his face so that he resembled Kyle MacLachlan. "OK," David Lynch instructed, "it's pronounced Uhm-odd-dee-eb." Wildcard nodded. The tragic death

Of the Green Lord had ambushed David Lynch making this film on schedule. What would he tell his bosses? Wildcard and David Lynch discussed this over dinner at Paradise Steak House.

Not really though. David Lynch spent the whole dinner telling Wildcard about the night he and Divine had seen My Dinner With Andre while on break from filming Hairspray. Sonny Bono

was there & he kept complaining that Cher held him back & that he'd have made it so big, Muscrat Love that I was just a hint of his bigness. Noone listened.. Lynch ordered an ear

kabob served on a blue velvet plate. Toni Tennille and Cher sang a lesbian love duet as Lynch emptied an entire bottle of ketchup on his ears. Muskrats sat under the table, hoping

to catch a glimpse of Lynch's plot holes. Cher stepped on Muskrats' tail which squealed and molted. Tiny, squirming clones of the flattened tail wrapped around her feet.

"I've got you, babe," they squealed like tiny, squirming, flattened Sonny Bonos. Cher rolled her eyes, "oh, you are sick!" and then cut away their tiny bandages.